*performed at ‘Paroxysm Tops it Off! Novel Edition’ hosted by Paroxysm Press, Adelaide Fringe, 18 February 2018.
Let’s face it, comrades – the luxuries you were promised during The Rebellion have all been abandoned by your so-called leader. I would assume that you’re all in desperate need of some guidance, so I stand before you here today with a solution.
I have a proposal for all of the animals who are gathered in secret here today. I ask, but do not request, that you consider putting your faith into The Land of Afterlife. For those of you who are unaware, the place I speak of is where animals go when they die, a place where we roam free without being subject to conflict or cruelty.
It’s the utopian land of perfection. Some of you may be able to picture it now: the abundance of food, the clear skies, the fresh air. Sounds delightful, doesn’t it?
Perhaps you’ll also find comfort in knowing that all of your labours on Earth will be rewarded to you with infinite leisure. That’s right, comrades, there is no work to be done here either. You shall rest from your tireless efforts for eternity.
What you experience here will become a distant memory if you maintain your belief, comrades. So during this time, do not allow your focus to be distracted from lies ahead of you. If anything, your faith should be growing stronger.
So for those who carry doubts (which I’m sure there are plenty of you who do), I’m confident that you’ll realise the true significance of this place sooner or later. It’s inevitable that you do. Whether we like to admit it or not, comrades, our spiritual beliefs instinctively come out of hiding during times of misfortune.
You’ll automatically place your trust into it when all else fails. After all, everyone needs some kind of reassurance in their life, a beacon of hope to save us all from what we fear. For many of you, this place is your light at the end of the tunnel.
So as you’re made to squalor under Napoleon’s reign, it’s important for you all to remember that your faith is the gateway to utopia. Allow that to sink in for a moment – your faith is the gateway to utopia. Remember that.